So Im thinking this very early moring how fast everything in your life can turn upside down. There are the hours that make you think--can I live without this person in my life. If they leave will I find someone who makes me as happy is as much my aprtner. Im not refering to breakups i mena really losing someone. The earht looks safe but underneath its all faultlines and earthquakes. people lose loved ones everyday. Moms lose their children. what makes you the person who gets to keep the one you love. what makes you that lucky. you can pray for forgiveness,blessing and protection but you cant pray someone not to die. prayer cana do amazing things and it has before but you cant pray someone not to die. i think that is the scariest thing to me. when did i become so scared of death of losing someone. i knwo when. that one day which should have affected me but not to this extent. i learned in one day ntohing can be safe. something bad can happen to the best father in hte world when you lolok at your own and think he could have easily gone forst and you would have been less affected. how do pwople live. how do you make the choice to live. to know theone you love can leave at any monent. or something horrible can happen and they will be incapacitated for life. how do you keep going. is it something you learn. or soemthing you come to realize. how do you think of the future without them. how can you imagine someone out of your life. does thinking about it help you prepare for the inevitable. that took me by surprise, i never even thought about it happening. is that why i worry about it now. so ill be prepared. which way is a better way to live. living preapring for the bad to come and not being broken when it happens. or living with no anxiety, worries and being broken when it comes. can you choose which way you live. you can make the choice but can you live it.

i sit and wait